Jokes
This first one is a bit long but it is rather humorous!
Fabulair
What would a really gay friendly airline be like? Join us on this short flight of fancy as
we re-design the first airline for gay men, lesbians, and anyone else lucky enough to get
a seat.
Welcome Aboard:
The Fabulair experience begins when you call our reservations number, 900-FLY-FABU. We
know you can make reservations on other airlines for free. But our 900 number is only
28c/minute (50% of all proceeds go
to the Human Rights Campaign), and our reservationists are very good on the phone.
Your tickets will arrive in a sleek Diesel leather ticket folio. Your seat assignment
(only aisle or window, no middle) is pre-reserved and your inflight menu is included
because we know how long it takes some of you to make up your minds, especially with a
menu as fabulous as ours. When you arrive at the airport, you'll recognize our terminal
immediately. Richard Sabala did the lights. Susan Morabito did the music. Thierry Mugler
did the departure lounge. Outside, we have a specially commissioned sculpture of Amelia
Earhart and Ellen DeGeneres as "traveling companions." Our sky caps, muscles
bulging under their Raymond Dragon uniforms, will check your luggage. We allow five
pieces,
not two, and no extra charge for golf clubs, ladies.
You Know You've Arrived:
Stroll through our luxurious terminal to your gate. We only use walk-through metal
detectors on request; a physical body search is preferred by most of our passengers. (Body
cavity searches are,unfortunately, limited to international flights.) Follow the red
velvet roping up to the plane door. The gate agent will take your ticket and give you your
wristband boarding pass. Keep it on - it's color-coded to indicate whether you're
aggressively single, possibly
available, or married. On board we have no flight attendants. Just stewardesses. Even the
guys. They're young, tall, thin, gorgeous, dressed by Chanel and trained by RuPaul -
they're gonna work! Butch has no place in our aisles. If butch is what you're after, lust
after our baggage handlers. Hired from Colt and Falcon Studios, they just
can't seem to keep their shirts on. Our cockpit crew? All gay men and lesbians discharged
from the military.
If There's Anything We Can Do...:
Fabulair is bringing style back to air travel. Settle into your seat. What do you
notice? It's comfortable. And it matches your outfit. Overhead, you'll find reading lights
plus tanning lights. The black leather seats smell as good as they feel. You can't wait to
fasten your seatbelt low and tight against your waist. Aaah. You're ready
for takeoff. You'll never see "Honey, I Blew Up the Kids" on Fabulair. We only
show movies starring Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, Madonna or Jody Foster. Or movies about
women in love. With each other. Care for a magazine? Vanity Fair... Out.... Curve...
Genre?... Sorry, we gave out our last copy of HX, but our chief purser would be happy to
show you around New York personally.
The Airphone at every seat has speed dial for Bill Clinton, Barney Frank, Elizabeth Birch,
Tzabaco, International Male, and J. Crew, for the non-stop activist and shopaholic.
Perhaps you'd like to listen to our specially selected audio entertainment. Channel 1: kd
lang. Channel 2: Pet Shop Boys. Channel 3: The Indigo Girls. Channel 4: Junior's
"Dancing on Air" party mix (a Fabulair exclusive). Channel 5: Melissa Etheridge.
Channel 6: Nothing but show tunes. Before you know it, your flight will be over. But don't
be sad. You've earned lots of frequent flyer miles, good towards your next trip on
Fabulair. We regret that they are blacked out for the Black Party, White Party, Gay Pride,
Hotlanta and Halloween, but use them over any of the other holidays. Bonus miles? Sure.
Stay at a gay B&B. Get a Rainbow Card. Use Community Spirit Long Distance. Take
an Olivia Cruise. Subscribe to Out & About. Triple Miles? Just date one of our
employees.
Too Fabulous:
Our in-flight service is not coach, business or first. It's so fabulous, we named it
Fabulous Class. It may seem like first class on other airlines, but we never use those
words, because nothing we do is second class. We recognize however, that many of our
passengers are too special and important, even for Fabulous Class. For those who require
the utmost in privacy and luxury we have an exclusive cabin that we call Too Fabulous
Class. Too Fabulous passengers don't need tickets. We know who you are. Our already
generous luggage limit is waived for you. At boarding
time, come right to the front of the red roping. Even though we have short lines, we kept
the roping because we know you like it. On board, you'll notice the little touches that
make a difference. A full harness replaces the standard seatbelt. A stewardess for every
passenger. Marble bathrooms big enough for two. Live entertainment and a personal video
screen with personal video choices. We couldn't improve our service, so we just added
more.
Massage. Manicure. Hair styling. Waxing and electrolysis (LA flights only). And group
psychotherapy in our upstairs lounge. We think you'll agree, It's a fabulous world on
Fabulair, the world's first all-gay airline.
An
Italian, a Fenchman and an Australian are discussing their relative performance in bed.
The Italian says - "When I've a finsheda makina da
love with my boyfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of his knees, he floatsa da 6
inches abovea da bed in ecstasy"
The Frenchman replies - "Zat is nothing, when Ah
'ave finished making ze love with my boyfriend Ah kiss all ze way down his body and zen Ah
lick zer soles of his feet wiz mah tongue and he floats ze 12 inches above ze bed in pure
ecstasy".
The Aussie says - "That's nothing, when I've
finished shaggin my boy, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my cock clean
on his curtains. He hits the f...ing roof !!!"
________________________________________
The World's Smartest Man
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New
Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali
Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage
compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened,
and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that
we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I
have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the
plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the
world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest
athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining
parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world
needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He
grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My
son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True
Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down
with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man
just jumped out wearing my backpack."
_________________________
Pakistani Sandals
This married couple was on
holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and
such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a
Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So
the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be
interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed,
but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband
asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, "Just try them on."
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As
soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his
wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and
started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming;
"YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!".
_____________________________
Virginity Test
A fellow talking to his friend says, "How can I tell if my girl is a virgin ?"
Friend tells him, "You have to wait till you wedding night, you show it to her and
ask what it is. If she calls it a penis, she's a virgin. If she says it's a cock, she's
been around."
So the guy gets married, and in the hotel room he flips it out to her and says "What
is this?"
"That's a penis!" she replies.
"Great," he sighs, "I thought you were going to call it a cock."
"Of course not! A cock is twice as big!!"
_________________________________
TV Listings
Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then
teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.
- TV listing for the Wizard of Oz in the Marin Independent Journal
____________________________________
Apple Commercial
I've written a commercial for Apple Computer. It goes like this: "Macintosh -- we
might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end."
-- Author Douglas Adams, on the Y2K problem.
_______________________________
What's in a name?
A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after
something around the farm.
The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to
one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied "Wagon Wheel".
The teacher said, "I need your REAL name, son", to which he boy replied,
"It's Wagon Wheel, sir...Really".
The teacher, in a huff, said, "All right young man, march yourself right down to the
principal's office THIS minute!!!!"
The boy got out of his chair, turned to his sister, and said, "C'mon, 'Chicken Shit',
he ain't gonna believe you, either."
____________________________________
Comebacks
Flirt: "Haven't we met before?"
Victim: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Flirt: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Victim: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Flirt: "Is this seat empty?"
Victim: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Flirt: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Victim: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Flirt: "Your place or mine?"
Victim: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Flirt: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Victim: "It's in the phone book."
Flirt: "But I don't know your name."
Victim: "That's in the phone book too."
Flirt: "What sign were you born under?"
Victim: "No Parking."
Flirt: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Victim: "Do not Enter"
Flirt: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Victim: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Flirt: "I know how to please a man."
Victim: "Then please leave me alone."
Flirt: "I want to give myself to you."
Victim: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Flirt: "I can tell that you want me."
Victim: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."
Flirt: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Victim: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Flirt: "Your body is like a temple."
Victim: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Flirt: "I'd go through anything for you."
Victim: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Flirt: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Victim: "Yes, but would you stay there?
____________________________________
Snow White
One day, the Seven Dwarfs were feeling kinda horny, and they were peeking through the
window of Snow White's room. Because they were so short, one Dwarf stood on another
Dwarf's shoulder, and so on, forming a Dwarf
Chain. Doc was at the very top, peeking through the windows.
Snow White walked into the room, and started taking off her blouse. "She's taking off
her blouse!" said Doc, to Dopey who was right below him.
"She's taking off her blouse!"
"She's taking off her blouse!"
"She's taking off her blouse!"
Then she started to take off her skirt. "She's taking off her skirt!" said Doc.
"She's taking off her skirt!"
"She's taking off her skirt!"
Then she started to take off her bra.
"She's taking off her bra!"
"She's taking off her bra!"
"She's taking off her bra!"
Then she started taking off her panties.
"She's taking off her panties!"
"She's taking off her panties!"
"She's taking off her panties!"
All of a sudden, Doc heard a noise in the bushes. "Somebody's coming!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
____________________________________
Q: Did you hear about that George Michael opened a dry-cleaners in
L.A.?
A: All you have to do is drop your pants and jacket off.
____________________________________
Deodorant
A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant
explains that they don't stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this
store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never
stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks
ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase
and he will try to match the product.
The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the
pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it
is obviously of the underarm stick variety.
The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to
use."
____________________________________
Needs as a Man
A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up, but then the
wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The
husband says "WHAT?????????????????" The wife explains that he is insensitive
and must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal
with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks
around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll
take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then
goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she
thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis
bracelet. The husband says "But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it
then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe
what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this
stuff." The wife's face goes blank.
"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets
really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says "You must not be in
tune with my financial needs as a man!"
____________________________________
Male Bashing
Men are like department stores - Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like vacations - They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers - Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men are like coolers - Load them up with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like chocolate bars - sweet, smooth and they usually head straight for your hips.
Men are like coffee - The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you going all night long.
Men are like horoscopes - They always tell you what to do and usually they are wrong.
Men are like plungers - They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or in the
bathroom.
Men are like cement - After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like snowstorms - You never know when they are coming, how many inches you will
get, or how long it will last.
Men are like parking places - The good ones are usually gone and what's left are
handicapped.
Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking? Because
those men already have boyfriends.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are all pigs.
____________________________________
You know you're gay when:
1. You wear the appropriate underwear for each of your dates.
2. You understand the subtle differences between at least 20 brands of vodka.
3. You understand the immense importance of good (or bad) lighting.
4. You can be in a crowded bar and still spot a toupee from 50 yards away.
5. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and mean her bathing suit.
6. You can tell a woman she has lipstick on her teeth without embarrassing her.
7. No one expects you to kiss and not tell.
8. You can have naked pictures of men you know in your home.
9. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.
10. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home and on your computer.
11. Unlike your women friends, you can hang out in men's locker room.
12. You understand why the good Lord created spandex.
13. You understand why the good Lord did not intend everyone to wear spandex.
14. You know the difference between a latte, cappuccino, cafe au lait and a macchiato. And
if you don't, you know how to fake it.
15. You know how to get back at just about everyone.
16. Your pets always have great names.
17. Nobody expects you to change a tire.
18. You're the only guy who gets to do the "Cosmo" quizzes.
19. You know how to get a waiter's attention.
20. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
21. At any given instant, you can recite who was gay since the dawn of history.
22. You are, hands down, your nephew's and nieces' favorite uncle.
23. You get to choose your family.
24. You can tell your sexual compatibility with a potential partner by the way he holds
his drink.
25. You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.
26. You wouldn't be caught dead in Hooters.
27. You can freeze an approaching bar troll twenty feet away.
28. You're good pals with women other people can't stand.
29. You've always got an opinion, and don't mind sharing it.
30. You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
31. You know how to "air kiss".
32. You know exactly which cosmetic surgery to consider having...and the perfect excuse to
give people who ask where you've been for two weeks.
33. You know how to dress strategically.
34. You know when to move out and move on.
35. You are the only one at the class reunion who looks better than you did in high
school.
36. You've got at least one framed picture of a pet.
37. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't necessarily an insult.
38. You wouldn't buy someone a mug for their birthday.
39. You know which wine to bring.
40. Sales clerks don't mess with you.
41. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
42. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade.
43. You've just about defeated the accent you were born with.
44. You know the way to a man's heart is not necessarily through his stomach.
45. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
46. You know every film ever made with male frontal nudity.
47. You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
48. You have the latest Pottery Barn catalogue.
49. You wouldn't dream of dressing out of the latest International Male catalog.
50. You can be bitchy without anyone blaming it on biology.
____________________________________
A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed
every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment.
The first room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy is not keen on this
and asks to see the next room.
The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks
to see the third room.
It has a really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde.
The guy jumps at the chance and takes the third room. The devil walks into the room taps
the blonde on the shoulder and says "okay stop now you've been relieved."
____________________________________
One bright Sunday morning Cindy and Mark took their eight year old son, Johnny, to church.
They sat right in the front so Johnny could get all the benefits from church. But as we
know eight year old boys do not like church at all. Especially little Johnny. Halfway
through the pastor's sermon Johnny fell asleep. The pastor noticed this, and it
was distracting him from preaching. He decided to go over to Johnny and ask him a question
about God.
"Son, do you know who created all the heavens and earth?"
His mother, Cindy, who did not want to be embarrassed by her son falling asleep, stuck a
pin in her son's right butt cheek.
"GOD!!!!" Cried little Johnny.
"Very good," the pastor replied. For he could not say it was wrong. And he
continued on.
But a short while later, Johnny fell asleep again. The pastor once again noticed this and
decided to ask another question "Who was Mary and Joseph's son?" The pastor
asked.
Johnny's dad, Mark, did not want to be embarrassed either, so he stuck a pin in his son's
left butt cheek.
"JESUS CHRIST!!!!" Yelled Johnny.
And once again the pastor replied "Very good."
Near the end of the church service, Johnny could not control himself and fell asleep
again. For the last time, the pastor decided to embarrass him and ask a very hard
question. "What did Eve say to Adam on the morning when they woke up on the first
day?"
But before Johnny's parents could do anything Johnny shouted "IF YOU STICK THAT THING
IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'M GOING TO TAKE IT AND BREAK IT IN HALF!
____________________________________
A macho man married a good-looking lady, and after the wedding, laid down the following
rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't
expect you to nag me about it. I expect dinner to be on the table unless I let you know I
won't be home. I'll go fishing and drinking with my friends if I want and when I
want."
"Well, honey," his bride replied, "That's fine with me. But I do want you
to know that there'll be sex here at ten o'clock every evening --whether you're here or
not."
____________________________________
How do you say transvestite in ebonics?
Susan B. Anthony
____________________________________
Q - What do walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon and getting a blowjob from a 90
year old man have in common?
A - They both are all right so long as you don't look down.
____________________________________
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they
had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant
statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will
dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your
life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and
strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After
the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no
tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached
in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man
who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the
grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried
upside down."
____________________________________
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied
smile on its beak and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT
question!"
____________________________________
Gay thoughts
Gay, straight... they all want blow jobs.
____________________________________
Q: What's the difference between LIGHT and HARD?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
____________________________________
A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all
the sick animals his lover was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit
dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.
At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an
elderly lady's voice.
"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"
"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on
the roof outside making a terrible noise
mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied
"Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"
"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"
"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"
____________________________________
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M
____________________________________
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.
He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There
was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out.
He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish."
And I said, "No shit."
____________________________________
Do you know the difference between a whale and a Lesbian?
About 50 pounds of flannel shirt.........
____________________________________
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a guy with a big dick.
In high school, I dated a guy with a big dick, but there was no passion. So I decided I
needed a passionate guy.
In college, I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an
emergency, he cried all the time. So I decided I needed a guy with some stability.
I found a very stable guy, but he was boring. he never got excited about anything. So I
decided I needed a guy with some excitement.
I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. he rushed from one thing to
another, never settling on anything. he was without direction. So I decided to find a guy
with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious guy and moved in with him. he was so ambitious, he
left me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a guy with a big dick!!
____________________________________
What is a gay programmer's favorite command?
c: (enter) ###
(see colon, enter, pound, pound, pound)
____________________________________
A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my lover
for his birthday. he has everything. Besides, he can afford to buy anything he wants so
I'm stumped."
His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying he can
have 60 minutes of great sex any way he wants it? he'll probably be thrilled."
So the fellow did.
The next day his buddy says, "Well, did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," replies the fellow.
"Did he like it?"
"Oh yes! he jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door
yelling, 'I'll be back in an hour.'"
____________________________________
As a young man in the Navy, I will confess to not being all that careful about who I
dated. This one young thang and I connected,and following dinner and a movie, he agreed to
a motel. After every pleasant love-making session I noticed the time. I asked him if his
parents didn't pose questions about where he had been.
he replied, "My parents don't care what I do. it's that damned truant officer who
keeps asking a lot of silly questions."
____________________________________
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business
sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass." Too
late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. "That's okay," the blonde
replied, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking
car."
____________________________________
Why is pHs called PMS?
Because Mad Cow Disease was already used.
____________________________________
A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times. He consults
a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last
30 years. Your dick is burned out; you only have
30 erections left in your penis."
The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is waiting for him at the front door and
asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him.
She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't
waste that; we should make a list!"
He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on
it."
____________________________________
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in
a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil
witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and
I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom,
and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy
doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed to herself and thought
"I don't fucking think so."
____________________________________
I overheard one young lady in the office telling another... "Sure he's old enough to
be my Father. BUT, he's also rich enough to be my husband."
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Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the head on a man's
penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The
results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than
the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same
subject. They were convinced that the results of the U.S. study were incorrect. After
three years of research and a cost in excess of
$250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to
provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the German study were released, Poland decided to conduct their own
study. The Poles didn't really trust the U.S. or German studies. So after nearly three
weeks of intensive research and a cost of right
around $75, the Polish study was complete. The Polish study came to the conclusion that
the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from
flying off and hitting you in the forehead.
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The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A
scotch,please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five
dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you
anything for this".
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender,
"You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding
contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's
not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever
let me catch you in here again".
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you
doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!". The guy says
"What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which
the bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a
double."
To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."
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A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His
wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down
the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy
pair of boots.
"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.
"This is it," replied his wife.
"What the hell kind of costume is that???" asked the husband.
"Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife. "Now hurry and get
your costume on."
The husband went upstairs and was back in about 2 minutes. He also was completely naked
except he had a rose vase slid over his penis.
"What the hell kind of costume is that???" asked the wife.
"I am a fire alarm," he replied.
"A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.
"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I
come."
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A man and his...fuck buddy
were goin at it.
Fifteen minutes has passed, 30 minutes, then 45 minutes.
Sweat is pouring off both of them. The guys buddy finally looks up and says, "What's
the matter, can't you think of anyone else, either?"
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A sweet young thing was having her annual check-up at the dentist's. He gave her the usual
"Now this won't hurt a bit." as he leaned over her to begin. Seconds later, he
drew back in shock and exclaimed, "Miss ! You have hold of
my testicles."
"Yes, I know doctor." she replied. "And we aren't going to hurt each other
at all, are we ?"
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I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of
Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages,e.g.,"I have a customer
in hardware who needs assistance at the paint
counter."
One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following
message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."
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Did you hear about the all midget porno flick? Yep, the
first to feature full runtal nudity.
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Two nuns, Sister Maryilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car.
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses
through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says
Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues
hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the
Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his
skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and
shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"
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Barbie's Letter To Santa:
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,playing at being the
perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in
fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S
DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this
Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna
be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998, Santa.
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.
I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do
you have any idea what it feels like to have
nylon and velcro up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It
looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boy toy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway?if I'm gonna have
to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to
twist,just get it done.
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How
about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with
a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips;
"Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with a
fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie,"
sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it.
Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society,I don't think these
requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next
Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours Truly,
Barbie
Ken's Letter To Santa:
Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract,
specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding
that disparaging remarks were made about
me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this
opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own
needs and desires. First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES
NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe,
Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette, evening gowns, and in
some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I
am forced to mix and match at great length. My
decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my
lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered
"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor
Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:
"S&M Ken" ,
"Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master
Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.
And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need
bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful
for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.In closing, I would like
to point out that any further concessions to
the blond bimbo from hell will result in action being taken by myself and others. And
Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.
Sincerely,
Ken
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Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I
have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need
something to keep me horny... keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small
cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here,
if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"
Then Crazy Mike says, "Gimme 3 boxes."
The next day, Crazy Mike walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and
pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is
black and blue, and the skin is hanging
off in some places.
Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."
The pharmacist replies, "BEN GAY?!?!?! You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are
you?"
Crazy Mike says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."
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Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go
to college to get
ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and
Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed
eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you
also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I
cain't wait to take that logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where
his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.
"Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"SO YOU LIKE GUYS, Don t Ya ?"
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This man that took great pride in his finely toned body, was admiring his tanned physic in
the mirror when he noticed he was tanned everywhere but his penis. So, he decided to
bury himself in the sand except for his penis. Two little old ladies were walking the
beach, one with a cane. She noticed it and poked at it with the cane until it became
erect, she said "oh that is a shame" the other one said , "what is a
shame?" Well, when I was 20 I ran from it when I was 30 I loved it,when I was 40 I
begged for it when I was 50 I wished for it when I was 60 I paid for it when I was 70 I
forgot about it now that the damn things are growing wild, I am too damned old to
squat.
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